Video: Former Indian Cricketer Opens Up On Depression, Says 'Felt Like Jumping Off My Balcony'

Former Indian cricketer and Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) batsman Robin Uthappa recently opened up on his depression. He revealed that he had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis between 2009 and 2011.

Uthappa, who made his Indian debut in 2006 against England; has played 46 ODIs and 13 T20Is so far. 

Recently, while speaking at a platform brought forward by The Royal Rajasthan Foundation, in association with NS Vahia Foundation & McLean Hospital (Harvard Medical School Affiliate), Uthappa said, "When I made my debut in 2006, I wasn't overtly aware of myself. A lot of learning and development has happened since then. Right now, I am extremely aware of myself and really clear on my thoughts and myself. It's easier for me to catch myself now if I'm slipping somewhere in someplace."

He was speaking in the second session of 'Mind, Body and Soul'. 

"I feel I ‘ve reached this place because I've gone through those tough phases wherein, I was clinically depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I remember around 2009 to 2011, it was constant and I would deal with that on a daily basis," he stated.

Further speaking on his depression, Uthappa revealed that, "there were times where I wasn't even thinking about cricket, it was probably the farthest thing in my mind. I was thinking about how I would survive this day and move on to the next, what's happening to my life and in which direction am I heading."

The KKR batsman also spoke on how difficult it was for him to deal with the thought when he was not playing cricket in the off-season. 

"Cricket kept my mind off of these thoughts but it became really difficult on non-match days and during the offseason. On days I would just be sitting there and would think to myself on the count of three, I'm going to run and jump off of the balcony but something kind of just held me back. That is when I started noting this down about myself in a diary and started the process of just understanding myself as a person. I then started to seek outside help to make those changes I wanted to make in my life," he asserted.

After opening up on his thoughts, the batsman further said that he has no regrets in his life with the experiences he faced. 

"I feel sometimes being negative is necessary. I'm someone who believes in the balance of life and I believe one cannot at all times be positive in life. Being negative or having negative experiences, going through trials and tribulations is sometimes necessary for one's own growth. For me, all my experiences have moulded me into the person I am today and I have no regrets on my negative experience as they've helped me develop positively," Uthappa said.

Finally expressing on how, life is about balance, the 34-year-old batsman said; "You need to go through the lulls to make you feel ecstatic about the positives. I feel life is about balance and we can't have it one way, a lopsided life is not going to be great, both negative and positive experiences are essential."

Robin Uthappa, till 2019 has been a mainstay at the top-order of the Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) line-up.